The festive season is over and your pants are tighter than your wallet. What went wrong? AGAIN?

3 Jan

Suzanne’s Perspective

The feasting , I mean *festive* season has come to a close.

Did you feast?

To be more accurate, despite promising yourself to take it easy this year, did you feast like there was no tomorrow, while promising yourself you would start your diet in January?

Now that January is here, are you still reaching for the pies because you are depressed about the enormity of the task ahead and too broke to afford a gym membership/buy healthy food anyway?

What went wrong?

Again?

For most of my adult life I have resented the festive season.  I feel out of control, as though the world is trying to force feed me, like a Christmas goose being fattened up for slaughter.

Despite what  glossy magazines tell you about how to ‘choose this instead of that’,  I have yet to find a non offensive way to insist on getting a blob of cottage cheese on a crispbread (‘cut the crispbread into small squares and layer them between the cheese! It will still feel decadent!” they promise) when the host of the third party in as many days, offers me a tray of mini pork sausages stuffed with cheese, wrapped in bacon, while shoving a fruity sugary alcoholic drink into my other hand.

Oh alright then, I will eat it all...

Perhaps there has been a magazine article written on how to artfully offend your friends, I have yet to read it.  If I was to demand a low fat snack at a party while rejecting the proffered offerings, I am quite certain I would not be regarded as sensible and empowered – I think it’s far more likely I would be called, smug, fussy and downright ungrateful.  To my face.  Possibly followed by that fruity drink and a dollop of spittle.

The trouble with asking for a paper towel on which to dab the excess fat off a double fried chocolate fat nugget, or eating half the food you have been served and piously pushing your plate away, or pouring half your cocktail down the sink and topping up your glass with water – if this is not obvious – is that it is RUDE.  Your host has spent hours preparing the feast and probably a fair amount of cash on the ingredients.  In addition to this, the meal, if it is a small party or family get together, was probably prepared with your tastes and preferences in mind.  Your sister saw how much you enjoyed the fat nuggets last year.. you asked for seconds!  That’s why she made them again this year… specially for you… how easy then, is it to push them away when they are proudly offered?

Not easy at all, you admit, unbuttoning another button of your jeans.

Imagine a world in which you could feel safe going to dinner parties in December knowing you would not have to eat anything which fell outside of your healthy eating plan.  Imagine not even being offered these things at all, not because you have been excluded, but because these things were not even prepared, based on your attendance.  Imagine a world where not preparing these items did not make your host feel resentful, but instead made them feel considerate and open-minded.

Welcome to the world of the belief system motivated vegetarian.

Think back on the last time you hosted a vegetarian.  When you decided to include this person on your guest list you already knew a few things about them.  You knew they did not eat meat for religious or other personal reasons.  You knew with certainty this was not a point for compromise or negotiation.  Did you then, insist on serving only meatballs, even when this guest was the only vegetarian at the table?  No you did not.  Instead you created some fancy sundried tomato-balanced on a soya bean starter (which everyone, seeking to appear evolved and tolerant of the veggie eating guest, raved about) and also probably served a vegetarian lasagna which it took you twice as long to make as a steak pie would have, necessitating a trip to three different stores just to find aubergines.

On top of that, I bet you felt rather smug about it.  It was probably easy to say to your brother Peter (known for only eating meat and potatoes) – “It will be a meat free evening tonight Pete”.

As the host you felt splendid about it – what a great chance to show how liberal and cosmopolitan you are.  Meat free?  Oh.. that’s easy!  That is just the type of flexible and inclusive host I am!

The same accommodations are made for diabetics and alcoholics and they are made just as happily.

So why then can a dinner party menu not be planned around the guest (or guests, which is more likely) who are trying to slim down or manage their weight over the festive season?

Here are a couple of reasons :

*We don’t declare our dietary requirements upfront.

*If we do declare our dietary requirements, we do it WRONG.

*We don’t follow through.

*We are secretly pleased we didn’t have to follow through.

Everyone knows who the vegans, vegetarians and diabetics are.  People who have specific dietary requirements have learnt that it does not serve them to stay silent.  It is not uncommon to meet a new colleague in the workplace and to have them introduce themselves as, “Hi, I am Johno, the new Accountant and I am a vegan”.   If you didn’t already know and you invite one of these people to a party, they will not mind reminding you either, several times if necessary.

People who are on a healthy eating plan are less eager to declare their requirements so blatantly for fear of scorn and derision.  If we are completely honest we must also concede that we sometimes do not describe out dietary requirements because we already plan to fail them and do not want to have to explain ourselves when the person who we outlined our carb free eating choices to in detail sees us grazing a family size box of doughnuts at the office a few days later.. but that is another blog altogether.

hmmm... I think I will pretend I want the carrots and then allow myself to be 'forced' to eat the pie...

Vegetarians and Vegans are not immune to scorn and derision.  They will tell you that when they first come out the soya closet into the meat locker which is the world in which we live, they are interrogated and questioned like criminals.  It only hurts the first couple of times though, and people do then eventually get over it and accept it.  Vegetarians and Vegans feel strongly enough about their choices and are prepared to face this sort of pain in order to reap the rewards waiting on the other side – evenings of dining without awkward moments or social pressure, without compromise or confrontation.

When followers of a healthy eating plan do manage to find the courage to come clean upfront they often hamstring themselves by apologizing or sounding ashamed about it.  The knee-jerk reaction of the person on the receiving end, when they hear ; “I would LOVE to enjoy your delicious lemon meringue pie again this season, but sadly, I am on a diet”… is to respond with, “you don’t need to diet darling! We all love you just the way you are.. don’t be silly.. one piece of pie won’t hurt you!”.  Both host and hosted disempowered… and you have only yourself to blame.  Listen to how different this sounds : “You are such a wonderful host so I thought I better let you know as soon as possible so you understand and are aware that I wont be having any of your lemon meringue pie this year; I don’t eat sugar”.

Case closed.

When a vegan gets to a dinner party and a bleeding slice of meat is served up to them, they don’t eat it.  They don’t guzzle it down while whispering to their partner that they ‘don’t want to make a fuss’.  They don’t eat it, even if it causes an awkward moment.  They know their abstinence is a sure fire way of underlining their dietary preferences to ensure it won’t happen again, and the hostess will probably be mortified when realizing the mistake and knowing the guest will go hungry.  They don’t feel bad in the slightest because they know they have explained their choices several times. They feel quite comfortable pushing that plate away.

The difference, the very big difference, is that the vegan was not secretly hoping they would get the hard choice taken away from them and get ‘forced’ to eat the meat.  The vegan is truly comfortable and satisfied with their eating plan.  They own it.  They are fully in, not balancing on a knife edge, hoping for a push to topple them and give them an excuse to abdicate from the choice and responsibility of eating too much of the things they said they did not want to eat this season.

So there it is.  Nobody force fed me this festive season, or any other festive season.  If I feel I have been fattened like a goose for slaughter, I need to acknowledge it is I that am holding the feeding tube.

Is it not time healthy eaters took on an empowering term of their own?  I am a….”X”… sorry.. I cannot eat that.   A friend suggested the term “Spartan”, or I suppose we could stick with “dieter”.  I am not satisfied with either as I would prefer to move away from anything which references deprivation or self pity.  We need something which spells it out in the same way Vegan spells it out.

I need to think more on it.  If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear from you.

Session Notes : Fed Up

24 Apr

First off, my apologies for neglecting this blog.

I (Soo), have been swept up by the real world, and what has become a busy coaching practice, and Heather has been jet-setting around the globe as a busy social entrepreneur should.

The issues of weight management, food addiction and all the many other issues which orbit around the subject have, however, never been far from my mind.

I am posting my notes from the last Fed Up (Food Addicts Group Therapy) session, which was held at my offices just short of two weeks ago.

I wanted to post these notes because there is still a fair amount of confusion as to what Fed Up is all about, as well as questions regarding its philosophy and content.  I hope this inclusion helps to answer some of those questions, but I also wanted to point out the following :

  • The attached notes represent only the framework of what was a very inclusive Group Therapy session.  You are looking at the skeleton.  To get the meat, you would really need to be there*.
  • At each session a different hot topic is raised.  In future I will not be sharing the topics in this way (just posting my pre-session notes) but I will rather bring together the learnings and points of view of all the attendees in an after session blog post.  I think the result will be far more interesting to the reader.

*I realise it is not possible for everyone, particularly the international followers of this blog, to ‘be there’.   I am working on a way round that, perhaps a podcast format for some portions of the session, or transcripts (thinking cap needs time to do its work…)

As usual, email me at talktosoopat@hotmail.com if you do not want your comments on the record.

FED UP, SESSION NOTES : APRIL 12TH 2011

WELCOME (Soo)

WHAT IS FED UP NOT?

A slimming club

A pity party

A one man show

FED UP IS :

A safe space

A place without judgement

A place to vent

A place to be real

A place and time to take ownership and responsibility for your life, your communication and your actions

THE FED UP MANIFESTO :

Fed Up is a confidential on-going support system for women struggling with issues related to food addiction and self esteem.  The Fed Up Sessions have a group therapy structure, and offer encouragement and therapeutic advice in your journey to self-awareness, victory over your addiction and the issues which underlie it.  You will NOT be weighed, you will NOT be measured.  You will not be asked to leave the group if you do not lose weight.  You will never be shamed, over praised or treated like a child.  You WILL be heard, understood, and given an opportunity to vent, facilitated by a kind a gentle process.

There are a few rules here, and they are designed to protect and empower us all

  • Never comment on a group member’s weight, whether it be a gain or a loss, unless the information is freely offered, and your opinion is sought.   We do not measure each other’s worth based on kilograms in this space, and this is not a competition.   Please know that I will stop you, if I see you doing this at any time. Feel free however to crow about your achievements, or vent your frustrations during the sharing portion of the session.
  • Do not use these sessions to evangelize about the latest weight loss fad, or to sell anything to anyone.  If the details of a diet or plan are specifically requested, rather offer an email, or a private phone conversation at a later time. I do not want participants of this group feeling they have been tricked into an Amway or direct sales presentation.  Please know that I will stop you, if I see you doing this at any time.
  • Be aware of the time you take up, in proportion to the other ladies in the group.  It is my responsibility as facilitator of these sessions to ensure they do not become focused on, or dominated by, one person and I will take measures to ensure this, if this ever becomes necessary.  If you need more of my time, approach me afterwards to arrange a one on one session.

INTRODUCTION & VENTING (All)

Each person introduces themselves, speaks briefly of their history with regard to food, and vents something, if necessary.  They can choose to end by reading the fed up affirmation.  Two minutes per person. (These confessional moments will never be shared in a blog.  They are private.  What happens in Fed Up, stays in Fed Up).

“I am FED UP with a world which measures my worth in kilograms.  I am FED UP by the ways in which I have reacted to these measures and judgements in the past.  I am FED UP! Today, I am moving forward, taking charge, and claiming my right to life, love and happiness.  Right NOW”

THE HOT TOPIC (tabled & facilitated by Soo, and discussed by all)

(Please note these are my rough pre-session notes.  I welcome any questions or queries on this topic, which was discussed in depth by the group during the session.)

“I don’t trust my body”

“when I eat too much, food makes me feel polluted and stuffed”

(these things were said by an anorexic, who weighs 73 pounds)

This woman is deliberately attempting to get as fat as she can. Empathy, Disgust or Pity?

What I really want to achieve tonight is a possible re-frame on some of these issues.  When food is the weapon are we really so different, in the ways we harm ourselves? Do we have double standards?  Do we have less sympathy, or more sympathy for different kinds of eating disorders?  Do we feel ok about ripping off a skinny person, in the way we would never consider doing to a fat person?  Or perhaps vice versa?  Do we admire the extremely skinny on a level, even anorexics, while we are disgusted by the obese? Aren’t they both killing themselves?

Anorexics can be mean and controlling to get what they want.  They lie about what they have eaten.  This is well documented.  Can fat people also be mean and controlling to get what they want?  Do they also lie about what they have eaten?  Does an anorexic person seem meaner to you?  Does a fat person seem sadder?  Does one have more of a reason or excuse to lie, than the other, in your mind?

Anorexic documentary : family describes when she ‘gets ugly’ she is ‘like a monster’.  How would it feel to be described this way, based on your weight?  Have you been described in this way, based on your weight?

This woman has deliberately attempted to get as thin as she can. Empathy, Disgust or Pity?

Anorexics have interventions and are told ‘you are killing yourself!” or are taken on Dr Phil, or sent off to treatment centres, where they are forced to eat the ‘right’ amount… but this is not done for the obese.  Why the double standard.  Who is getting short-changed?  Are the problems of the obese not taken seriously?  Does Anorexia get more ‘sympathy’?  Does it get less?

Anorexics often seek to dictate the terms of their treatment, or want to quit.  Do the obese do the same?  Are you able to relinquish control (and should you), even if this control is related to wanting to be left completely alone to self abuse, or insisting on following a crazy diet of your choosing, rather than following the advice and help of others? (Dr Phil to anorexic ‘You don’t get to be calling the terms of your treatment’.  ‘You are not equipped to deal with how this should be handled’)

Anorexics insist on exercising, or do it secretly.  The obese refuse to exercise, feel persecuted about being forced to exercise, and don’t stick to exercise programs and resent them.

Anorexics eat secretly for fear of being judged.  The obese eat secretly for fear of being judged.

Others say to anorexics “you don’t have to do this, stop right now.  Why are you being so selfish?”.  Does that seem reasonable.  How would you feel, if the same thing was said to you, as an obese or overweight person?

Anorexics are asked to stand in their underwear and to lift their shirts and show their bony ribs, and these clips are shown on national television, to show ‘the extent of their disease’ and how it has ‘ravaged her body’.  How do you feel about this?  How would you feel if you saw a clip of an obese person, who was asked to lift their shirt and show their fat rolls, or to stand in skimpy underwear to show the world ‘the extent of the disease which has ravaged her body’.  Are you more sympathetic to one, over the other, in terms of this humiliation?  Are you more sympathetic to one over the other, in terms of their disease?

Not Enabling Means :  Your disorder is not allowed in the house, in the same way as an abusive boyfriend.  No special accommodations are made (such as : ‘this is my food’, ‘this is my mustard’, ‘no one must watch me eat’, ‘no one is allowed to comment when I go off the rails’)

Anorexic’s say “I feel as though I am trapped in this body, while others are having fun and having a life”.  Do the obese say the same thing? (Particularly regarding hobbies and interests).

TONIGHT’S POWER TOOL (explained by Soo, and then workshopped by the group)

Do you know how to take a compliment?  Really take it and integrate it?  Do you know how to deliver a compliment?

Would you like to have a tool which allows you to take a compliment at face value, and to feel bolstered by it, no matter what it is?

Receiving a compliment :

Example :

“You really look fantastic.  Something is different.  What is it?”

Steps :

  • Internalise – do you believe it? Give them the benefit of the doubt.  Take it in equal measure (the example of the tot glass vs the pint glass – they are offering you a pint glass worth, but your current self esteem results in you receiving it in a tot glass)
  • Smile.  Don’t grimace or squirm!
  • Respond and pay it forward.  The practice of giving genuine compliments must be rewarded!  Be sincere.  Dig deep.

“Thank You.  I feel good.  Life is good.  I really appreciate how you have picked up on my improved attitude.  I respect and admire how in tune you are with people”.

THE PROCESS FOR GIVING A COMPLIMENT IS THE SAME!  Make sure you are not :

Giving a back handed compliment and that you don’t have any urge to ‘put them in their place’.  Even seemingly perfect people need compliments.  It is meaningful compliments they would prefer, ones which do not relate to their looks.

CLOSING COMPLIMENTS

compliments : I'll take em!

Each person gives a compliment to the person next to them.  It is not allowed to be based on their size. (post- meeting note :  This was an experiment and it ROCKED.  It may sound silly or superficial, but it was actually wonderfully moving and affirming, as we were all sincere and digging deep.  It ended the session on a high note)

Meeting closes.

This woman knows…

4 Mar

I read this article off a site that networks people who have had the lap-band installed.  The unimaginable things we take for granted!  This is a great article to read – to get some idea of the pain and humiliation involved in being obese.  Read it here.

Slowly but surely…

25 Feb

(Heather’s Perspective)…

Just thought I’d share a little photo.  OK – given, not the world’s greatest photo… but better than nothing!!

About 109 kilograms / 240 pounds

Today, I fitted into another pair of jeans that I have kept in storage for years – and which couldn’t fit me for years – and which now fit me (comfortably, I might add)!  They’re not the nicest or the most flattering pair of jeans… in fact, they’re those “mom jeans” that the fashion police warn you about.  You know, high waist… high pockets… and a bit to much camel-toe for my liking!

Still! I-can-FIT-into-them!!! And this is cause for celebration!!  (Now – I’m looking forward to getting too big for them, so I can happily toss them out!)

Yesterday, I went to the shops and purchased myself some new clothes (I have not done this in a very… very long time).  I bought some new undies, a pair of boots and 2 nice jerseys (American friends, translate: sweaters).  It felt really nice to shop at Woolworths – instead of at my usual haunt – Donna Claire or Penny C (which stock, I kid you not, disgusting… DISGUSTING clothes!  For evidence – click here).

I’m still a bit impatient about the slow progress of weight loss… and yes, yes – I know, I know!  1 kg per week is supposedly perfectly acceptable progress – but I don’t have the patience for it!  I want it ALL…GONE…NOW!!  Maybe I should take Soo up on her offer of going for hip-hop dance classes together…. that’ll probably help the weight-loss progress, huh?

Anyway – that was just a quick little update for the day.  Still extremely happy with my lap-band… and yes, I will book a 2nd fill for March – just to speed things up a bit.

X

 

A heartbreaking response to this blog

23 Feb

Note from Heather:  A brave person responded to our blog with the message below.  I can’t begin to tell you how familiar her message is to me.  I have heard it time and time again – from so many, many desperate people who have been struggling with obesity for years and years.  Indeed, it’s my own voice too.  My heart breaks for those who struggle with eating disorders… for those who are regularly discriminated against (because of their size).  To the friend who wrote this letter, I say:  You might not realise or accept it – but you are beautiful, worthy, valuable and deserving of respect and love – exactly as you are right now!

Hi Heather,

I know I should be replying to your blog as to how your journey of the past weeks has affected me as a “fattie”, but I’m afraid I’m just not as brave as you have been. I would say that I take my hat off to you, but I probably ate that too.

I read a little about how you were feeling just before going in for your procedure. This is a subject so close to my heart as I am pretty much where you were in Dec, give or take a pound or two. I live each day battling to get up and face the world with the strength and courage that I should naturally have.

I work with people daily, who I know (sad but true), judge me the moment my hand extends to shake theirs, the moment I get out of my car or the moment they open their front door.  I have a husband and two stunning girls that I feel like I am letting down and embarrassing every day. I have resigned myself to the fact that my weight is one fight I just cannot fight any longer. and am now lying down to play dead, getting up only when I have to do whatever the day puts before me. Active I am, devoted to my family and business, most certainly I am. Dead inside from hurt, embarrassment and low self-esteem, well that I most certainly AM!

I have no self-esteem left, have no will left to fight this, feel quite happy to work for myself locked up in my study without a corporate office having to witness me having a slice of toast or chatting every time the “fat” chick walks to the kitchen (even if it’s only for a glass of water)……. I haven’t really had anyone say anything to my face about my weight, in fact they don’t even have to say a thing, it’s written all over their faces.   I even planned an eye op smack bang in the middle of the week of my hubbies 20 year reunion, just so I could avoid it.  Yes Heather, you heard right, I actually did that, and at the last minute postponed the op due to guilt.  But alas, we never went as I had stuffed up plans and it was all too much to organize accomodation at the last minute……….. so Heath, when I read your blog, I cry so much.  So much happiness for you, so much hurt for me.

I haven’t stopped crying today since I read it.  I know this sounds like an agony aunt column, but I honestly am so desperate to get this op done that I will go to any lengths.  Desperate is what I was years ago, broken is where I am now. I have not been able to afford this, and so I have made an appointment to go see a surgeon to check what the cost is on this procedure, please could I ask you if you would kindly send me the details of your doc and if possible cost as well.

I can’t tell you how happy I am for you, you deserve this so much Heather, and if I had the energy, I would stand and be your pom-pom girl,  but right now I’m sitting….. (ha ha, we all know about the fat jokes)………….

PS:  Sorry if this letter doesn’t make sense, I have just typed and typed whatever I have felt… just cant stop crying right now……….

Share

Details of the fill

17 Feb

For those who want to know the morbid details of what a “fill” is like…

My surgeon chooses a different process from many other lap-band surgeons.  He prefers to bury the port in the lower part of my stomach (instead of the upper part, just underneath the boob).  He told me that the reason for this is two-fold:

1)  Once the patient has lost all of their weight, he found that a port (which has been placed in the upper regions) can stick out in a noticeable way (I guess, like a large, unexplained bump).

2)  He also said that, with some patients, the port (placed in the upper regions) can feel uncomfortable… for example, when crouching or gardening (you can feel it digging into you).

Therefore, he opts to secure his patients ports “lower” and “deeper”.

This is all very fine and well, but it comes with a cost – mostly notably the price tag!  When a patient has had their port installed under the boob – a fill can be performed whilst the patient lies flat on the doctors’ examination table.  Quick-quick… and pretty painless, I’m told.

But with my low & deep port… my surgeon has to access the port via X-ray… so I have to lie on the X-ray table while he locates the (metal ring) of the port – and then (ouch!) he jabs me with a long needle in my stomach (which needs to go in deeper than normal).  You might ask:  what does that feel like?  Well, it feels like he’s jabbing me with a long needle!  (no local anesthetic)  The good news – is that he did it REALLY quickly.  So that moment of pain lasted about 3 seconds and then it was over.  Really not a big deal.

The gross part, for me, is having to drink a vile, bitter liquid (that they can view on the X-ray)… and he watches this liquid move into my stomach – just to check that everything is okay and that the band is doing it’s job – and what not.  I probably hate the vile liquid more than I hate the long needle!  And then of course, there’s the price tag.  X-Ray procedure costs R1250 ($173) – and surgeon doing the fill costs R700 ($97)  (Eeek!)

Well… at least one only goes for a fill occasionally!!!

I have booked my next fill for the end of March.  I would like another 2cc’s of saline injected into my lap-band.  The restriction that the band offers is great…. but I would prefer just that little bit extra!

Any curious questions – feel free to shout!

H.

20 kilograms (44 lbs) down…

16 Feb

I had my lap-band installed on the 6th of December and I have lost 20 kilograms so far.  This is GOOD progress… but I find myself increasingly impatient with the weight-loss.  I’ve been told the statistics time and time again…  lap-band patients don’t lose their weight as fast as gastric bypass or gastric sleeve patients…. but, 5 years after surgery, the weight-loss ratio (of the lap-band) is pretty much the same as the other surgery options.  Does that make sense?

In other words – lap-band patients do lose their excess weight…  just not as FAST as the other guys.

I knew these stats…  and I accepted these facts when I opted for the band.  BUT… now I am just so damn impatient!  I want the weight all GONE – and I want it gone NOW!

Yes, yes.  I know it’s not a race.  I know I should be patient.  I know.  But “knowing”…. and “feeling”…. are two different things.  And you can’t just switch off “feeling”.

Good news and celebrations though…  I cannot tell you how WONDERFUL it feels to be 20 kilograms lighter!!!  Already my energy levels have soared (I was constantly tired before).  A real treat for me is to fit into jeans that had been stored away for many months (because I was way, way too fat for them).  Now – I’m throwing THOSE jeans away!  The jeans you saw me wear in my previous post – are now too big – and have been donated.  Shirts that I hadn’t managed to squeeze into for many months are now baggy.  Even my feet have shrunk!  And… I can wear my wedding ring again.

I guess my only grumble is the rapid shrinking of my boobs!  Bra’s that used to fit very snugly are now loose – both around my back – and in the “cup” area!  I am a natural-shaped pear, and I KNEW this would happen…  but still, I’m not entirely delighted about it, I must say.

Apart from clothes that now fit – there have been lovely, satisfying little milestones along the way.  Like, being able to fit comfortably into the movie seats at the Cresta cinema without having to force my butt past the armrests!  I only realized after I had sat down, that my butt had brushed past the armrests (instead of being painfully forced).  This put a big smile on my face.

Oh, and I went for my first “fill” the other day.  The surgeon injected 5cc’s of saline into my band.  It gives me enough restriction to feel fairly full for most of the day – and to eat normal-sized plates of food (instead of the huge mountains I managed to devour before)… but I would still prefer more restriction… maybe another 2cc’s.  I have booked myself in for a second “fill” at the end of March.  In the meantime, the progress has settled down into a gradual loss of about 1 – 1.5 kilograms a week (which, I must admit, makes me feel very impatient indeed).

OK – I must go – I have so so so much work to do (hence my not-very-regular postings)…  but here is a quick little pic I took of myself this morning.

Thanks for reading & keep in touch!

x