First off, my apologies for neglecting this blog.
I (Soo), have been swept up by the real world, and what has become a busy coaching practice, and Heather has been jet-setting around the globe as a busy social entrepreneur should.
The issues of weight management, food addiction and all the many other issues which orbit around the subject have, however, never been far from my mind.
I am posting my notes from the last Fed Up (Food Addicts Group Therapy) session, which was held at my offices just short of two weeks ago.
I wanted to post these notes because there is still a fair amount of confusion as to what Fed Up is all about, as well as questions regarding its philosophy and content. I hope this inclusion helps to answer some of those questions, but I also wanted to point out the following :
- The attached notes represent only the framework of what was a very inclusive Group Therapy session. You are looking at the skeleton. To get the meat, you would really need to be there*.
- At each session a different hot topic is raised. In future I will not be sharing the topics in this way (just posting my pre-session notes) but I will rather bring together the learnings and points of view of all the attendees in an after session blog post. I think the result will be far more interesting to the reader.
*I realise it is not possible for everyone, particularly the international followers of this blog, to ‘be there’. I am working on a way round that, perhaps a podcast format for some portions of the session, or transcripts (thinking cap needs time to do its work…)
As usual, email me at talktosoopat@hotmail.com if you do not want your comments on the record.
FED UP, SESSION NOTES : APRIL 12TH 2011
WELCOME (Soo)
WHAT IS FED UP NOT?
A slimming club
A pity party
A one man show
FED UP IS :
A safe space
A place without judgement
A place to vent
A place to be real
A place and time to take ownership and responsibility for your life, your communication and your actions
THE FED UP MANIFESTO :
Fed Up is a confidential on-going support system for women struggling with issues related to food addiction and self esteem. The Fed Up Sessions have a group therapy structure, and offer encouragement and therapeutic advice in your journey to self-awareness, victory over your addiction and the issues which underlie it. You will NOT be weighed, you will NOT be measured. You will not be asked to leave the group if you do not lose weight. You will never be shamed, over praised or treated like a child. You WILL be heard, understood, and given an opportunity to vent, facilitated by a kind a gentle process.
There are a few rules here, and they are designed to protect and empower us all
- Never comment on a group member’s weight, whether it be a gain or a loss, unless the information is freely offered, and your opinion is sought. We do not measure each other’s worth based on kilograms in this space, and this is not a competition. Please know that I will stop you, if I see you doing this at any time. Feel free however to crow about your achievements, or vent your frustrations during the sharing portion of the session.
- Do not use these sessions to evangelize about the latest weight loss fad, or to sell anything to anyone. If the details of a diet or plan are specifically requested, rather offer an email, or a private phone conversation at a later time. I do not want participants of this group feeling they have been tricked into an Amway or direct sales presentation. Please know that I will stop you, if I see you doing this at any time.
- Be aware of the time you take up, in proportion to the other ladies in the group. It is my responsibility as facilitator of these sessions to ensure they do not become focused on, or dominated by, one person and I will take measures to ensure this, if this ever becomes necessary. If you need more of my time, approach me afterwards to arrange a one on one session.
INTRODUCTION & VENTING (All)
Each person introduces themselves, speaks briefly of their history with regard to food, and vents something, if necessary. They can choose to end by reading the fed up affirmation. Two minutes per person. (These confessional moments will never be shared in a blog. They are private. What happens in Fed Up, stays in Fed Up).
“I am FED UP with a world which measures my worth in kilograms. I am FED UP by the ways in which I have reacted to these measures and judgements in the past. I am FED UP! Today, I am moving forward, taking charge, and claiming my right to life, love and happiness. Right NOW”
THE HOT TOPIC (tabled & facilitated by Soo, and discussed by all)
(Please note these are my rough pre-session notes. I welcome any questions or queries on this topic, which was discussed in depth by the group during the session.)
“I don’t trust my body”
“when I eat too much, food makes me feel polluted and stuffed”
(these things were said by an anorexic, who weighs 73 pounds)
This woman is deliberately attempting to get as fat as she can. Empathy, Disgust or Pity?
What I really want to achieve tonight is a possible re-frame on some of these issues. When food is the weapon are we really so different, in the ways we harm ourselves? Do we have double standards? Do we have less sympathy, or more sympathy for different kinds of eating disorders? Do we feel ok about ripping off a skinny person, in the way we would never consider doing to a fat person? Or perhaps vice versa? Do we admire the extremely skinny on a level, even anorexics, while we are disgusted by the obese? Aren’t they both killing themselves?
Anorexics can be mean and controlling to get what they want. They lie about what they have eaten. This is well documented. Can fat people also be mean and controlling to get what they want? Do they also lie about what they have eaten? Does an anorexic person seem meaner to you? Does a fat person seem sadder? Does one have more of a reason or excuse to lie, than the other, in your mind?
Anorexic documentary : family describes when she ‘gets ugly’ she is ‘like a monster’. How would it feel to be described this way, based on your weight? Have you been described in this way, based on your weight?
This woman has deliberately attempted to get as thin as she can. Empathy, Disgust or Pity?
Anorexics have interventions and are told ‘you are killing yourself!” or are taken on Dr Phil, or sent off to treatment centres, where they are forced to eat the ‘right’ amount… but this is not done for the obese. Why the double standard. Who is getting short-changed? Are the problems of the obese not taken seriously? Does Anorexia get more ‘sympathy’? Does it get less?
Anorexics often seek to dictate the terms of their treatment, or want to quit. Do the obese do the same? Are you able to relinquish control (and should you), even if this control is related to wanting to be left completely alone to self abuse, or insisting on following a crazy diet of your choosing, rather than following the advice and help of others? (Dr Phil to anorexic ‘You don’t get to be calling the terms of your treatment’. ‘You are not equipped to deal with how this should be handled’)
Anorexics insist on exercising, or do it secretly. The obese refuse to exercise, feel persecuted about being forced to exercise, and don’t stick to exercise programs and resent them.
Anorexics eat secretly for fear of being judged. The obese eat secretly for fear of being judged.
Others say to anorexics “you don’t have to do this, stop right now. Why are you being so selfish?”. Does that seem reasonable. How would you feel, if the same thing was said to you, as an obese or overweight person?
Anorexics are asked to stand in their underwear and to lift their shirts and show their bony ribs, and these clips are shown on national television, to show ‘the extent of their disease’ and how it has ‘ravaged her body’. How do you feel about this? How would you feel if you saw a clip of an obese person, who was asked to lift their shirt and show their fat rolls, or to stand in skimpy underwear to show the world ‘the extent of the disease which has ravaged her body’. Are you more sympathetic to one, over the other, in terms of this humiliation? Are you more sympathetic to one over the other, in terms of their disease?
Not Enabling Means : Your disorder is not allowed in the house, in the same way as an abusive boyfriend. No special accommodations are made (such as : ‘this is my food’, ‘this is my mustard’, ‘no one must watch me eat’, ‘no one is allowed to comment when I go off the rails’)
Anorexic’s say “I feel as though I am trapped in this body, while others are having fun and having a life”. Do the obese say the same thing? (Particularly regarding hobbies and interests).
TONIGHT’S POWER TOOL (explained by Soo, and then workshopped by the group)
Do you know how to take a compliment? Really take it and integrate it? Do you know how to deliver a compliment?
Would you like to have a tool which allows you to take a compliment at face value, and to feel bolstered by it, no matter what it is?
Receiving a compliment :
Example :
“You really look fantastic. Something is different. What is it?”
Steps :
- Internalise – do you believe it? Give them the benefit of the doubt. Take it in equal measure (the example of the tot glass vs the pint glass – they are offering you a pint glass worth, but your current self esteem results in you receiving it in a tot glass)
- Smile. Don’t grimace or squirm!
- Respond and pay it forward. The practice of giving genuine compliments must be rewarded! Be sincere. Dig deep.
“Thank You. I feel good. Life is good. I really appreciate how you have picked up on my improved attitude. I respect and admire how in tune you are with people”.
THE PROCESS FOR GIVING A COMPLIMENT IS THE SAME! Make sure you are not :
Giving a back handed compliment and that you don’t have any urge to ‘put them in their place’. Even seemingly perfect people need compliments. It is meaningful compliments they would prefer, ones which do not relate to their looks.
CLOSING COMPLIMENTS
compliments : I'll take em!
Each person gives a compliment to the person next to them. It is not allowed to be based on their size. (post- meeting note : This was an experiment and it ROCKED. It may sound silly or superficial, but it was actually wonderfully moving and affirming, as we were all sincere and digging deep. It ended the session on a high note)
Meeting closes.
Big Sister Diaries 